Scar Tissue

I am scarred.

I have that little, almost invisible scar on my upper lip from when I fell off my bike as a child.

I have a small scar in the crook of my arm, where a razor blade cut me while I was throwing away trash bags at the grocery store I worked at in high school.

I have scars from cutting my ankles while shaving with cheap razors.

Insignificant scars here and there from living day-to-day life.

I have scarred myself: my ears are pierced 3 times on each side, my belly button has been pierced at least 3 times, and I have tattoos that represent things important to me.

I have a scar under each breast from 15 years ago when I ‘got my boobs done’, hoping it would make me love myself more. Little did I know that although it would improve my self confidence, it wouldn’t change anything else.

And I have one big scar that runs across my lower belly that is from the birth of my daughters. The C-Section I had to have because they were both breech. I have tried to love that scar, but I can’t. It’s ugly. You see, my skin keloids, and so the scar is not a thin, flat, straight line, but rather an ugly red, hard, lumpy thing. I can’t yet see the beauty of it; that without that scar, the birth of my daughters would’ve been painful and possibly catastrophic to our lives.

Then there are the scars you can’t see…the ones that hurt more than the pain I went through to accumulate all of my physical scars put together.

I’m talking about the emotional ones.

Scarring others: saying things that I regret…words that can never be taken back and will never be forgotten.

Doing things without thinking to purposely hurt others.

Having those things said to me.

Having those things done to me.

Tears where there should’ve been laughter.

Years wasted.

Not loving myself and allowing others to hurt me.

Hurting myself to make someone else feel better.

Not chasing dreams because I was told that I’d never reach them. That I wasn’t good enough.

Losing friends. Hurting friends. Being lost and hurt.

Regrets, not many, but enough to leave deep ugly scars like the one on my belly.

Doing things I knew were wrong and hating myself for doing them.

Selling myself short…not believing in ME.

Not believing in myself and watching opportunities slip by.

Not saying ‘I love you’ enough before it was too late.

Taking people for granted.

Taking the blessings in my life for granted.

Not cherishing the little time I had to spend with amazing people that made my life better.

Wanting more, but settling for less simply because it was too much work to get what I really wanted.

Everybody has scars – some are worse than others and some will never heal.

And as I look at this list, I realize that this is just life. That all of these wounds, some big and some small, are reminders of the life I’ve led. I’ve learned something from each and every one of them.

I am trying to love these scars for what they have taught me; not for what I’ve lost or missed out on. Not for the pain that I caused to others. But from what I learned from them, and now hold in my hands, heart and head.

Because without these scars, where would I be today?

And so it goes…

Mama's Losin' It
I wrote this post for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop in response to Prompts #1: Scarred.

Get $10 OFF orders $50 or more at Build-A-Bear Workshop® use coupon code 95309 at check out!

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Comments

  1. purseblogger says:

    Beautiful post. I think you speak for all of us with these words. I know you do for me.

  2. Together We Save says:

    Wonderful post!!

  3. Beautiful. The best thing about your scars is that you own them.

    I picked the same prompt and my post is similar, but very different.

  4. Some of those scars are SO difficult to accept. But by removing them in some way don't you remove a little piece of yourself?

    I hope I can come to accept some of my own…someday

  5. Soge shirts says:

    The scars just make you stronger. You seem to be learning from them which means you are farther along than most of us in this crazy world.

  6. Doll Clothes Gal Pal says:

    These scars makes us stronger dear. :)

  7. Great job with that prompt. I started something, but couldn't tie it all together.

  8. This is such a beautiful post. I totally love it and can so relate.

  9. I have to believe that those scars make us who were are, and in the end that we learn from them! At least I hope :)

  10. This is a really good post, Nat. Your laundry list of emotional scars really cut to my core. We all have them; how we handle them is our true measure, right?

  11. My scars remind me that I should've listen to my mother: "Don't pick it – it'll leave a scar."

  12. Dolli-Mama says:

    Beautiful post. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger… or so they say.

  13. Scars are actually quite amazing things. They are the body's way to make itself stronger. I would say that emotional scars do the same thing…make us stronger. And you will learn to love your c-section scars, when you are ready. And if are never ready…there is always the plastic surgeon option.

  14. We are all scarred…but, Nat, trust me, you are good enough. Trust you.

  15. Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points says:

    So wise and so lovely.

    And while you many never be able to celebrate all those scars, in time, the power, resilience, perspective and growth many of them gave you will communicate to you a little more.

    I'm WAY older than you, and I'm still processing many of mine.

    But I'm better now than I was ten years ago, so ten years from now, I hope to be better still.

  16. This is so SO beautifully written. Love this. One of my favourite posts of yours yet.

  17. You have spoken directly to my heart. Every part of us is what makes us who we are, even though we'd sometimes rather they not be there.

  18. Sorry if this is a duplicate, my 3rd try.

    I'm sayin' I love this. On so many levels.

  19. You really hit the nail on the head of all of our scars. Your writing is lovely and true and honest. Scars are part of the fabric of our lives and you captured this perfectly. Thanks for sharing!

  20. We all have so many scars, whether they are visible to other or not. And to recognize that these are what brought you to the place you are now, a strong and wonderful mother and friend, is a gift you give yourself.

    Without them? Who would you be? I'm pretty sure nobody as wonderful as you are today, my friend. Scars and all.

  21. Its all par for the course, but as long as the scars can serve as opportunities for betterment, then you can be assured that the experiences that created them didn't occur for naught. Great post! Thanks for sharing..

  22. Two Normal Moms says:

    While I was reading, I was thinking exactly what you said to sum it up – without the scars, where would we be? They help make us who we are, good, bad or ugly. Great post.
    -Ally

  23. Yes to all of this. And thinking that the visible ones are easier to bear.

  24. Beautiful, well-written post! You nailed it all in a nutshell. Life is a multitude of scars … it what we're made of and makes us who we are today.

    I love the way your chose to present your Writer's Workshop prompt. Stopping by via Mama Kat's!

  25. The Flying Chalupa says:

    Scars are sexy, Nat. They tell a story, don't they? And love the c-section scar, girl! It just shows how strong you are. Great post.

  26. We're all carrying baggage of what we've done & the people we were. There are things in our past that we may not be proud of or even things that are painful, but it's who we are. If we take away the scars, it would change how we got to where we are now.
    And you lady? I like you just like you are. Scars & all.

  27. beautiful because says:

    Beautifully written and I am glad to know you better!

  28. Stephanie says:

    Exactly. No matter what/where/who/why/when the scars came from, they are all there for a reason. It's what you make of it that matters.

    (I'm signed in under my other account but its still me.)

    -The Drama Mama

  29. Funny how the emotional ones stick with you more than the physical. Maybe it's because we're forced to look at the physical every day?

  30. theworkinghousewife says:

    I loved your post – it says what we all should remember – that our scars are what makes us who we are and we should appreciate the things they have taught us. :) I follow you through GoogleReader, and have to say, I think you are an awesome writer :)

  31. Cheap razors should never be given to a 12 year old learning to shave her legs. Yet somehow we pick that hunk of skin out of that .99 POS disposable razor, put a little TP on our wound and figure it out. Great piece Natalie.

  32. This is such a beautiful post.

    Forget the physical scars, it's the emotional ones that are harder to heal.

  33. Lady Jennie says:

    So beautifully expressed. I have many more invisible scars than I do visible ones, but time is erasing some of those.

  34. Natalie…those scars have made you the beautiful woman you are. I love you!

  35. The Empress says:

    This is wonderful, b/c it's honest.

    That is one of the wonderful things about getting older: you no longer try to kid yourself.

    Awesome words here.

  36. The mad woman behind the blog says:

    I love your summary best: because w/o these scars, who would I be today. I'll give you a hint: NOT the same woman that all of your readers love.
    Beautiful, honest post.

  37. Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip says:

    Such a beautiful and wise post, Natalie. And it really made me tear up. Because it's not the physical scars that hurt the most. It's the emotional ones that we wish we could take back or wish never happened. Thanks for sharing yourself so honestly. This post made me feel less alone. And esp. today becuase I am feeling kinda sad.

  38. Beautiful beautiful post, you are a very wise and talented woman my dear.

  39. letmestartbysaying says:

    Love it – great post.

  40. This is a wonderful post. I am so glad you had me read it. It makes me want to go back and rework mine a little.
    JDaniel4s Mom recently posted..Knowing There is Scar Tissue on My HeartMy Profile

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  1. [...] spiritual and emotional scar tissue that will really make you think. It reminds me of my post Scar Tissue that I wrote last year and if you are carrying around any emotional scars, they’re both worth [...]

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