If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that I’m an open book. I have blogged about our struggles with infertility and my depression several times before because I KNOW that it helps people that are experiencing it themselves.
Over the summer, I stopped blogging pretty much all together for two months. I said it was because the kids were out of school and I didn’t have time. But that was only part of the reason. I didn’t fully realize it then, but I realize it now…as I crawl out of the darkness that is depression. During the last few months, I experienced a major bout of depression.
And it all started with thinking these words: I used to be so much more.
Earlier this year, life was going good. I started working out regularly and eating healthy. I was proud of my new body, and I felt great about myself. I felt like this whole motherhood thing was becoming manageable and I wasn’t a stressed out tyrant all day, everyday. I was living and feeling happiness and joy.
The depression started seeping in and taking over at the beginning of June. I know when it happened because I can look back and see it. As I mentioned, I was working out a lot and treating myself kindly…taking care of myself. The kids and I went to my parent’s house at the river for the weekend and had a great time. But when we came back, I lost all of my energy. It was like a slow leak out of an old tire. I know that sounds weird, but slowly, my energy seeped from me. As did my hope and optimism.
What Depression Feels Like
I was always tired, always grouchy, I stopped working out. I started asking myself if this is all life is about. I didn’t want to do anything but just be alone….not easy to do with three small kids. I had no patience, no tolerance, and to be honest, I was not really feeling much of anything. And not caring.
I only recognized this at the beginning of August. A full two months after it started. When you begin coming out of the depression you recognize the signs. Hell, you know the signs before you fall into despair but don’t “feel” them coming on. At least I don’t. And if I did, I probably wouldn’t have the energy to do anything about it, even if there were signs on fire blinking Caution! Danger Ahead!
And while in a bout of depression, I definitely don’t realize that that’s what is going on until I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But crawling out of the hole doesn’t happen overnight. It’s like a reawakening.
Do you want to know what depression feels like? It feels like nothing. Hopelessness. Joyless. So tired. Melancholy. A weight on your heart even though you have so much to be grateful for and happy about.
Knowing that you should be grateful and happy, but not being able to do it.
I’m in a Facebook group with some amazing women and friends. We talk about EVERYTHING. I told the group that I realized I was coming out of a depression, and that I was feeling uncomfortable and guilty about it. One of my sweetest friends responded “feeling guilty is still the depression talking”. It was eye opening for me.
That’s also when my friend Katie over at Sluiter Nation, who also battles depression, mentioned she felt that she was maybe going into a depression…at the same time I realized that I was actually coming out of mine.
So Katie and I talked about it, and thought it would be interesting to share both ends of the pendulum; Katie is talking about falling into a depression and I’m sharing what it feels like to come out of a depression. Talking about this still taboo subject not only makes us both feel better about it, but also helps us keep in perspective that sharing our words is power. It’s power for us, and it’s power for you.
Do you know what depression feels like? If you have a story to share – whether you battle depression yourself or love someone who does – we hope that you’ll link up and share your story with us. We want to be able to share everybody’s takes on depression. Because we know that if we’ve experienced the pain of depression, so has someone else. Join us. Share your story and the power of your words. It doesn’t have to be a new post…feel free to link up an old one that you think describes your feelings.
If you know what depression feels like – in any way, shape, or form, know you are not alone.
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