Tatted and Toothless

No…not me, I’m not tatted and toothless! I’m only tatted. But that’s now what this is about.

It is no secret to anybody that I adore Poppy of Funny or Snot. If we lived near each other I know we’d be BFFs. Poppy isn’t so sure we’d be friends because she doesn’t necessarily believe I’m a female. But I know that we’d spend our days drinking wine and eating bon bons.

And on the days that she had a marathon or triathlon or whatever other crazy running stuff she does, I’d sit on the sidelines and cheer her on, happily drinking enough wine for the both of us. Though I know once she was done she’d catch up. Now that I think about it, it’s probably better that we don’t live near each other. I think we’d get into a lot of trouble together…I’m sure she’d be a horrible influence on sweet, innocent me.

Anyways, I’ve been waiting a long, long time to get Poppy over here for a guest post. If you don’t already know her, I’m sure you’re gonna LOVE her after you read this! Enjoy!

Tatted and Toothless

The coolest part about guest posting is that I can write about things that I haven’t been willing to share on my own blog. I’m pretty open with my readers, but there have been some topics I haven’t felt comfortable tackling due to who I know is reading. Natalie gave me free reign and no censorship. I am tempted to tell you how I found out a couple I know were swingers when they ended up naked in our hot tub after we had them over for dinner, but I’m sure that happens everyday where you live so I won’t bore you with that awkward encounter.

There was an email circulating earlier this week amongst a handful of bloggers discussing a possible trip together. I don’t know how serious it was because I checked out of that conversation immediately. Usually when a girl’s trip is mentioned I am the first one with my hand up and my check filled out. That was before.

Before I had flown down to Florida and spent a weekend trapped with mostly crazy ass bitches that I had met online while hopped up on narcotics after my tummy tuck.

Let me back up a bit. At the time of my surgery I didn’t know anyone personally who had a tummy tuck and If they did, they weren’t talking about it at T-ball practice or playgroup and I wanted information and I turned to the world wide web.

I joined a message board full of very helpful women at various stages in the process. Some were in the planning phases such as myself, some were just recovering, and some had been post-op for quite some time. I immediately felt close to these women because they could relate.

The surgery itself knocked me on my ass for several weeks and all I had was my laptop so I chatted with these women and developed what I thought was a close bond. It wasn’t long before we planned a trip to compare scars.

I got off the plane excited for my weekend and was picked up by the woman who I was closest to and convinced me to break out the lube to get “permission” for a 3 day girls trip. So far, so good. Until we picked up two others. For anonymity, I’ll just call them Tatted and Toothless. Also, I still have PTSD and still fear they may be watching me. I was trying hard not to jump to conclusions because I really “knew” these women and now I think it was because I had seen them on several episodes of Cops.

When they got in the car, we did the requisite hugs hello and then they all lit up their cigarettes in the compact car and proceeded to tell the story of how they were pulled over at gunpoint earlier in the day because they matched the description of bank robbers in the area. They were outraged. Frankly, I’m still suspicious.

Back at the condo, was a group of other women. Sane women. Little did I know that the group had completely splintered when I was in my drug induced haze and I had inadvertently been made the prison bitch of the Rough Riders back when I was drooling on the couch. I was too chicken shit to defect now. Partially because the not crazy camp was only staying for the weekend and I was stuck an extra day with the Manson family.

And it was tense. I had no idea group A didn’t like group B. I also had no idea that group B was really as rough as they were. Sure, I noticed a few spelling and convention errors when we were chatting online, but big deal. I don’t spell check everything and I throw in a few aints and gots every once in a while. You know, intentionally. But these bitches be crazy. Really, really crazy.

On Sunday morning when the nice group was about to leave and I was alternating playing dead on the pull out couch and mouthing “help me” when Tatted wasn’t looking, it almost turned into a UFC fight. I was really worried because my money was on Toothless.

Someone said something that “disrespected” Tatted’s husband and the fight was on. It was verbal only with threats of physical violence and ensuing drama. The worst part was that I didn’t say a damn thing. Toothless and Tatted were so wrong and I kept quiet out of self preservation. Woulda, shoulda, coulda handled that differently, but TSA did confiscate my mini Leatherman.

In general the behavior I witnessed was disgusting. Lying to their husbands. Why? Grown women threatening other grown women with bodily harm? So trailer. Out drinking me 3 to 1. Fucking Insane.

It wasn’t all horrible. I had a nice ride to the outlet mall on the city bus because I asked to be dropped off at the airport 8 hours before my flight.

So as much as I’d like to confirm Natalie is a female and that indeed her tattoos are tasteful, I’ll need to get 3 references and a credit check before I book my plane ticket for Vegas.

———-

Poppy…I want that swinger story! I’m inviting you back to do another guest post, but this time I’m asking that you write about that. Please??? Anyways, thank you Poppy, you know how much your friendship means to me and I owe you one for doing this for me. And my references and credit check should be arriving on your door any day now.

Now you all love Poppy, right??! Go visit her blog for even more of her humor…she’s not known for holding back her true feelings or profanity, and there are no off-limit topics. If you’re good with that, you’ll love Funny or Snot as much as I do.

And so it goes…

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Comments

  1. Love me some Poppy.. And I second the need for the swinger story. That sounds like a must-read.
  2. The mad woman behind the blog says:
    Yup, another piece of gold from Poppy...and yes, I must have the swinger story.

    BTW,I've so been there...agreeing to a trip with near strangers and they only got stranger the more the controlled substances flowed, snorted and otherwise consumed. Though I'd hate to hear what they'd say of me!
  3. Jennie @ Modern Mamaz says:
    That's when you fake an emergency phone call and get your ticket changed ASAP or spend the rest of the time at a different hotel!
  4. MommaKiss says:
    My comment went FUBAR. Dammit.
  5. Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points says:
    I will happily submit to a background check and send a notarized letter from my dentist if it gets Poppy on a plane.

    K?
  6. Um, I'm creeped out by anyone without teeth. I don't think I would have made it through the weekend.
  7. i would have wanted back on the plane, heading home once i realized i was in crazy town.

    you're a major tease about the swingers, poppy.
  8. I guess that is a good lesson for us all. Maybe a background check is needed before I meet up with any more bloggers.
  9. Wha tha fa? That's the reason why I don't tell anyone where I live to prevent some crazy toothless old man posing as a "Sally" asking me "hey, we live only x miles from each other so we sould meet"...shudder.
    And Poppy you had a tummy tuck? I didn't know that about you nor that you like to host swinger parties.
    I still love you.
  10. Holy hell, hilarious!
  11. hahaha!! It is funny how "well" we think we know people online! Why is that?? This had me cringing and laughing!!
  12. LOVED it and i LOVED you so both of you are getting followed now!
  13. OMGosh she is too funny! Love her and can't wait to go check out her blog!!

    http://survivingandthrivinginmom-dom.blogspot.com
  14. Allyson & Jere says:
    Oh how I love me some Poppy. Really one of hte funniest people I've EVER read. Won't lie, not sure I could hold my own with her in person. You know, some people are just their own orbit of funny.

    Totally waiting for the swinger story. Swingers.....EWWWW!
  15. blueviolet says:
    After that psychotic experience, who can blame her?
  16. "Out drinking me 3 to 1"

    Out drinking, Poppy? I'm impressed.
  17. Comment is gone...here goes again...

    Poppy this is just insane. Really. It makes me seriously wonder about meeting anyone I've met online through blogging in the future! And I just think you can usually go with the flow, so for you to say it was that bad, I know it was BAD.

    And swinger stories? Do tell....please.
  18. The Pilot's Wife says:
    Awesome! Headed over there next!

    Anna, The Pilot's Wife
    www.pilotwife.blogspot.com
  19. Domain Registration India says:
    it is really interesting and make me funny poppy is out drinking one of them three who really make me laugh
  20. The Empress says:
    Poppy? Clearly, this was ALL arranged through a prescription painkiller haze.

    NO WAY anyone Sane would go meet up with some "gots" and "aina's"

    Oh, right, I said Sane.

    Sorry...
  21. ok so - the "domain india" comment up there just totally threw me off my game. Shit.

    Also, the comment I had a day or 2 ago has completely left me. Dammit!

    Can I swear ANY more??

    Poppy, you are a total lush and these bitches out drank you? That's hard core. I say you, me, Nat and a few other co-horts do a girls trip to find these "ladies" and kick their ass. Twice.
  22. Oh wow.

    First off...I MUST hear the swingers story. It sounds a lot more awkward than my own experience which only consisted of vodka, a weird pick up line and the husband and I hiding in a corner planning our escape.

    Second...I'm so very glad you survived your weekend. It has all the makings of a really bad episode of CSI.
  23. Poppy, it's guest post's like this that remind me how much I need you in my life. I will be catching up on your blog soon. And, I'm with everyone else... bring on the swinger story!
  24. I just read this and do have to let you all know that Poppy DID go on a cruise with some of us she met on line and we all had a non-violent marvelous time, although there still were a few "weird" ones tagging along; but we threw no one overboard. And Poppy can drink the drink and walk the walk - love you Poppy!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] honor of Poppy’s guest post on Tuesday, Tatted and Toothless (if you haven’t read it, go read it now, it’s HILARIOUS!), I have decided it’s [...]