Sharing More Words…

Remember last month when I let my friend anonymously post here on my blog a secret she wanted to share?

Last week, another friend of mine called me and asked if she too could post anonymously on my blog. While she has her own blog, she is not ready to share this secret with her family and friends. You see, they don’t know that she has had three miscarriages in less than a year. She doesn’t want to tell them, but she does want someplace to put her feelings and her words.

This woman is a beautiful, loving and caring wife, mother and friend. She is a blogger. She is well liked. She wants to share a secret, but not her name.

And with that, I would like to share my friend’s words with you…

————
I am a mother.

Some women become a mother the moment they learn they are pregnant, for others, it’s the first time they feel their child moving inside of them, or the first time they look into their newborn babies eyes.

For me, it was the first time I saw the embryo on the ultrasound. That’s my son or daughter, I thought.

That was my proof and my wake up call. It was a life-changing day.

I still have that picture of my first child WAY before my child entered the world prominently displayed on my nightstand. I love that photo.

To me, it solidified that I was pregnant and it instantly made me a mother.

Just. Like. That.

From that day forward, I took better care of myself because of the little person growing inside of me.

That’s why this is so difficult.

We just suffered our third miscarriage in seven months.

I could get my head around the first time. It wasn’t meant to be; it was too soon, blah, blah, blah.

The second time didn’t even hurt as much.

But this time? My mind is racing and my heart is confused and the gravity of this grief holds me down to where I almost can’t even breathe.

What did I do wrong?
Did I want it too much?
Did I not want it enough?
Did I take the wrong prenatal vitamins?
The third time’s a charm, isn’t that what they say?
Who the fuck are “they” anyway?
This time we saw a heart beat.
This time I got an ultrasound photo.
I was ready to frame it.
I showed it to my child.
Why?
What am I doing wrong?
Is it the water I’m drinking?
Is it the soap I’m using?
I clearly have no problem getting pregnant; I just can’t seem to stay pregnant.
Even with the progesterone treatments.
Even with the baby aspirin to help thicken my uterine lining.
Even though I had a better that textbook pregnancy with my first child, apparently anything can go wrong.
Three times in a row!
We started planning.
We started hoping.
This time was going to be different.
We just suffered our third miscarriage in a row.
For now the why’s will have to wait.

Fortunately, my child is like sunshine and makes me smile and give thanks every day that I am a mother.

———–

My heart breaks for her having to go through this. I myself know how frustrating it is to want a child so bad, yet not be able to have one. I know the emotional pain, the suffering, the jealousy, the stress it puts on your relationship with your spouse, the pain you cause yourself by blaming yourself…

I understand what my friend is going through – not because I have miscarried but because I couldn’t get pregnant. I was on the flip side of the ugly coin, suffering with unexplainable infertility.

But one thing is certain, I had hope that I would one day have a baby, and she carries the same hope that she will be blessed with another child.

Please say a prayer, or send her a good thought and good vibes.

And thank you, my friend, for trusting me with your beautiful words and your heart. I’ll keep them tucked safely next to mine.

And so it goes…

Comments

  1. I am a mom of 1 a future step mommy to two. and I have also had a miscarriage. The pregnancy was unexpected... so many people claimed that it "was part of gods plan" or "for the best" which made it feel so much worse. I feel empty.

    My thoughts go out to your friend and I hope she knows that it is not her fault. Mommy of a baby who wasn't ready to be.
  2. Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points says:
    So wonderful for you to give these words a home, lovely one.

    And to your friend who is trying to create a home of her body...

    Much love to you. And as positive a thoughts as I can share.
  3. I'm so glad you were able to find a place to vent. I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time! I am sending all of the positive vibes I have your way my friend!
  4. This broke my heart. I hope this mom gets what she wants. Lots of prayers...and hugs.
  5. Galit Breen says:
    This was beautiful and heart-breaking. I'm glad that these words made their way here. I'm sending all of the good thoughts that I've got your way.
  6. I'm so happy that these words ended up here. Natalie, you are a good friend. Thank you for offering your corner of the Internet to this mother and as always, your open and loving heart to all of us.
  7. How brave of her to post about this here, even if it is anonymously. I am overcome with emotion after reading this post. It's not fair, life can be so cruel sometimes and there's nothing anyone can do about it. While I have all the faith in the world that this women will have another child eventually, it still doesn't make these last three miscarriages any less painful. I guess all I can say is for her to simply keep hope alive. : )
  8. Jessica D Torres says:
    My good thoughts are with your friend and I think it is really great that you let her express her feelings here.
  9. That is so sad. My thoughts and prayers go out to your friend.
  10. I'm so sorry for your (friend's) loss. I can't imagine the pain of losing one pregnancy, much less three. I hope she finds strength in sharing her story. Many prayers.
  11. Three of my close friends have had miscarriages in the last year or two. One has had three. She's starting to lose hope, and I don't know what to say to her---especially since I've never had to face that. All I can do is pray, which is what I'll do for you.
  12. So sad...it's so hard to share experiences like this too. I have not dealt with miscarriage, but I have dealt with unexplained infertility and the questions aren't much different...though I think a miscarriage would hurt more...would be more of a loss. For that, I'm sorry...I'm sorry for your losses. No one deserves that kind of hurt.
  13. MommaKiss says:
    I will say a prayer for this mother, the "why" can overcome a person. You are a wonderful friend, Nat and I hope this Mom finds some strength from our thoughts & prayers.
  14. How nice that you were able to give your friend a safe place to share her pain, and to your friend... loss and grief and infertility are overwhelming and unfair, if only it were easy, the way it should be. You are in my thoughts. I hope you find peace and a long, healthy pregnancy very soon.
  15. I know the heartbreak this poor mom is going through. My husband and I found out we were pregnant for our first time in the beginning of December, 2010. Two weeks later, at 7 weeks, I had a miscarriage. All of the "it wasn't meant to be's" were never helpful. That doesn't ease the pain you go through. I'll say a prayer for your friend, and I'm very thankful she does have one baby to hold and love.
  16. I know this heart ache all too well.

    I send her all the positive vibes and prayers I can muster.
  17. The Mommyologist says:
    I will send her good vibes and prayers for sure. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to see/hear your baby's heartbeat...and then one day it just isn't there anymore.
  18. My hugs to the blogger. I hope that she and her hubs can rebound soon from this and maybe by writing the words down, clear her mind and body for another try.
  19. Making It Work Mom says:
    I am sure the worst part is not having the explanation. The unknown. We all know that we would do anything for our child (born or unborn). I would be like her begging just tell me what to do and I will do it. It is so sad.
    So glad she had a place to write her story.
  20. BalancingMama (Julie) says:
    What a great idea to do this! Those words needed to be written and you gave them a place to be shared. My wishes for this person are strength, faith, and a happy healthy baby one day. Will keep her in prayers.
  21. Miscarriage is brutal and steals hope. I'm hoping for you.
  22. Hello! I'm Kate. says:
    I'm sorry for her & her family, I hope that find peace in this difficult time.
  23. The Empress says:
    There are so many sad stories.

    To share is to hold arms open.

    We all have a story, and to let it out, even anonymously, is to be heard and have our pain validated.

    I love you, sweet writer, and am so glad you were able to tell others about this heaviness you've been keeping inside.
  24. We misscarried our first 2 babies back to back, and people say such cruel things. Just know that it is nothing you've done wrong. I hate to be one of those people that reccomend anything, because people told me all kinds of crap, and I still don't know for sure what caused my losses. But my Natropath reccomended getting my thyroid checked witha specific form of test that is different from the typical one the Allopathic Dr's do. I tested low (even though I had never tested low on the other tests) and went on a low dosage of a natural thyroid suppplement and I have not misscarried since. I will never be sure that was the reason, but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case.

    http://www.genovadiagnostics.com/index.php?option=com_gpanel&Itemid=2&task=view&nav=doc&id=148
  25. Such a sad story, and how gracious of you to host her here Natalie. Being able to put this into words may help her more than she knows.

    There is no yearning stronger than to hold your child, and so sad when it doesn't pan out the way you intended. Having been through mild infertility struggles and one early miscarriage I can relate.

    Hugs and best wishes for your friend. She's found a safe home here for her words.
  26. parenting ad absurdum says:
    I feel so strongly for your friend. I and several women I know have been there. A close friend of mine recently created a short film about her own experience with miscarriage, and we are working to use it as a starting point for other women to share their own experiences. If she's interested in checking it out, it's here: http://thehouseikeep.com/. If not, that's fine too, but much love and support going her way.
  27. Sending thousands of good vibes...
  28. Sluiter Nation says:
    oh natalie...what a wonderful friend you are to give a home to words that are too hard to say otherwise.

    and the miscarriages? i've been there. my heart aches for anyone else who has to go through this.
  29. Sending good vibes your friend's way and keeping her in my prayers:) You are a good friend for letting her share her grief on your blog. I so feel for her.
  30. I'm so happy that you opened your blog to this friend, Natalie.

    And to your friend, I can only say...

    I'm so very, very sorry. I miscarried my first baby and I know the questions, the self-blame, the fears, the grief that weigh you down. And I know the unintentional cruelty and awkwardly cheery condolences of loved ones.

    I wish I could give you a hug. And I wish I had words of wisdome to share with you. All I have is my support and a small amount of understanding.
  31. The mad woman behind the blog says:
    I too have been here. Thank you Nat for making this a safe place to air these words.
    Bundles of hope and prayers for your friend.
  32. I don't really know what to say. We had kids so easily...everything about it...easy. It makes me feel guilty in a way. I don't know what to say w/o sounding contrite...but I truly am sorry for your loss and your struggle. Thank you for sharing your story.
  33. Hugs to your friend.

    Secondary infertility issues are tough - women are afraid to talk about it, especially because they already have a child and there are so many women who can't even have one.

    But it doesn't make it any less painful. Resolve.org has wonderful information and support.
  34. 30ish Mama says:
    Sending all the positive energy I can. I have been through the same experience, 3 miscarriages in a row--I know exactly how she feels. It is especially difficult when you see the embryos from the beginning and then have weekly ultrasounds where you can see your baby grow in utero. You have already bonded before most women even know they are pregnant. I sincerely wish the best for your friend, and I hope that her hopes and wishes are fulfilled.
  35. That is so heart breaking. Know it's nothing that you did to cause this. You are not to blame. Sending prayers and wishes.
  36. Wow, that brought tears to my eyes! I've had 2 miscarriages, and even though neither pregnancy was planned or expected... or even out of a situation that was ideal (to say the least), both made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out. It's something I still have problems dealing with. Every time something brings it to mind, I think about how old my children would be now and all the original feelings come rushing back.

    My heart goes out to your fried and her family!
  37. Wow, that brought tears to my eyes! I've had 2 miscarriages, and even though neither pregnancy was planned or expected... or even out of a situation that was ideal (to say the least), both made me feel as if my heart had been ripped out. It's something I still have problems dealing with. Every time something brings it to mind, I think about how old my children would be now and all the original feelings come rushing back.

    My heart goes out to your fried and her family!
  38. Many hugs to your friend. My mom had three miscarriages as well. She and my dad then adopted my oldest brother. Right after that, she got pregnant again and went on to have 3 healthy pregnancies. It can happen. Don't give up hope.
  39. It's really beautiful that you've given this space to your friend so she can share her story. My heart breaks for her and for all women who suffer through this.

    Anonymous - My mom had 3 miscarriages and gave birth to 4 healthy kids - all is not lost. Many prayers for you, anonymous friend.
  40. I'm so sorry for what your friend has been through. I've had 3 pregnancy losses so this post really hit home for me, esp our 3rd loss in which we had seen and heard the heartbeat and believed we were good to go. I've heard all the same things too, from "It wasn't meant to be" to "God has a plan". None of that is comforting in the midst of the grief and heartache.

    My heart goes out to your friend. It's almost like a silent kind of pain that we feel guilty sharing with others.

    It was wonderful of you to let your friend use your blog as her outlet to pour out that grief, anger, and everything she's experiencing right now.