I have a new friend to introduce you to today – well she’s a new friend to me! Ilana from MommyShorts! Ilana and I became friends via Twitter and I liked her immediately. She’s funny, she’s honest and she cracks me up and makes me think at the same time. She’s been on my Monster Likes list a few different times, and I’m sure she’ll be there again!
Ilana also featured Lila giving The Business for her Caption Contest…it was so much fun to see what others had to say about the picture and if you haven’t checked out the contest, you’re missing out. If I was creative at all, I’d submit responses to each one!
So please help me welcome Ilana to share a Monster Mommy Moment with us! No idea what a Monster Mommy Moment is? You can read all about how my weekly feature came to be here.
So grab a cup of coffee and a donut, ahem, I mean a low-fat muffin, or depending on the time of the day maybe some wine and chocolate, and sit back and enjoy Ilana’s Monster Mommy Moment!
Since my daughter, Mazzy, is only 16 months, I’ve never had a true screaming out-of-control “Monster Mommy Moment”. That doesn’t mean I have been a perfect mother. Far from it. I just exercise something I’ll call— “The Silent Monster”. Better known by your local Child Protective Services as a little parenting infraction called— NEGLECT.
For instance, let’s talk about the unreasonable amount of time I dedicate to my phone and my computer. I try to give Mazzy 100% of my attention, but sometimes the lure of my various devices are just too great. I’m like a Kardashian trying to turn down a reality show opportunity. It’s just too tempting to pass up.
This means I have often found myself answering a text or retweeting a post while Mazzy stomps and pulls on my leg shouting demands like— “Up! Up! Cracka!?” (Translation: “You suck, mom. Now pick me up and give me a cracker.”)
After an intervention from my husband, I promised to try and reserve my computer time for when she’s sleeping. And I stuck to it for a little awhile.
But then a few weeks ago, I sensed an opening. I introduced Mazzy to something new. Something magical. They’re called CRAYONS.
Mazzy fell in love at first sight.
First, we were drawing on the floor but Mazzy couldn’t get the paper to stay steady. So I had the brilliant idea of sticking her in the high chair and taping the paper to the tray.
Mazzy was happy as a clam. But it was still somewhat of a limited engagement till— “Up! Up! Cracka?!”
The next time, I decided to up the baby entertainment level even further. Once Mazzy was safely strapped into the high chair, with paper and crayons at the ready, I made the bold move of angling her TOWARD THE TELEVISION, accessing Sesame Street on demand and letting that bad boy play.
I sauntered over to the computer, thinking— I AM A PARENTING GENIUS!
All was quiet.
Five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of sweet sweet computer time passed and then — “MiiiiiiLK!!!!”
If I had a conveyor belt spanning the distance between the refrigerator and her high chair, I probably would have just pressed a delivery button without looking up. Alas, my apartment is not designed like the opening sequence of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and I had to walk it over myself.
What waited for me?
A smiling purple-toothed baby with rainbow drool pouring out of her mouth.
Mazzy had eaten, not one, but SEVERAL crayons.
I ripped her out of the high chair and stuck my fingers in her mouth pulling out chewed bits of multi-colored wax. Then I flipped her over to reveal clumps of crayon embedded into the back of every one of her teeth as if she had been eating a diet of Gobstoppers and Gay Pride Flags since she exited the womb.
I had to scrub her teeth with a washcloth and a toothbrush while she was upside down. Needless to say, the screaming was relentless.
After what seemed like hours, I finally had the situation under control. I hugged Mazzy tight and then looked directly into her bleary eyes and said, “I’m so sorry baby.”
She looked at me, her eyes wide with anguish and distrust, and answered, “Up! Up! Cracka?!”
She was right— I suck.
Um, yeah…I have NO idea what you are talking about!
I’m kidding….unfortunately, it’s all too familiar! Thanks Ilana, for sharing your Monster Mommy Moment with us…and for the reminder to share them.
And thank you for reminding us to live in the present. I for one am more guilty of this than I care to admit. Now go swing by MommyShorts and say hello to Ilana, and if you’re new there make sure to tell her that I sent you. I know you’ll really enjoy her blog!
Also…I have a favor to ask. If you haven’t responded to my poll yet, could you please? Do you like reading product reviews and giveaways? I’ve been doing a lot of them recently, and while I enjoy giving you all the opportunity to win free things, it’s gotten to the point where I need to either stop doing so many of them, or I need to start another site! Thank you in advance.