Monster Mommy Moment – Ilana Style

I have a new friend to introduce you to today – well she’s a new friend to me! Ilana from MommyShorts! Ilana and I became friends via Twitter and I liked her immediately. She’s funny, she’s honest and she cracks me up and makes me think at the same time. She’s been on my Monster Likes list a few different times, and I’m sure she’ll be there again!

Ilana also featured Lila giving The Business for her Caption Contest…it was so much fun to see what others had to say about the picture and if you haven’t checked out the contest, you’re missing out. If I was creative at all, I’d submit responses to each one!

So please help me welcome Ilana to share a Monster Mommy Moment with us! No idea what a Monster Mommy Moment is? You can read all about how my weekly feature came to be here.

So grab a cup of coffee and a donut, ahem, I mean a low-fat muffin, or depending on the time of the day maybe some wine and chocolate, and sit back and enjoy Ilana’s Monster Mommy Moment!


Since my daughter, Mazzy, is only 16 months, I’ve never had a true screaming out-of-control “Monster Mommy Moment”. That doesn’t mean I have been a perfect mother. Far from it. I just exercise something I’ll call— “The Silent Monster”. Better known by your local Child Protective Services as a little parenting infraction called— NEGLECT.

For instance, let’s talk about the unreasonable amount of time I dedicate to my phone and my computer. I try to give Mazzy 100% of my attention, but sometimes the lure of my various devices are just too great. I’m like a Kardashian trying to turn down a reality show opportunity. It’s just too tempting to pass up.

This means I have often found myself answering a text or retweeting a post while Mazzy stomps and pulls on my leg shouting demands like— “Up! Up! Cracka!?” (Translation: “You suck, mom. Now pick me up and give me a cracker.”)

After an intervention from my husband, I promised to try and reserve my computer time for when she’s sleeping. And I stuck to it for a little awhile.

But then a few weeks ago, I sensed an opening. I introduced Mazzy to something new. Something magical. They’re called CRAYONS.

Mazzy fell in love at first sight.

First, we were drawing on the floor but Mazzy couldn’t get the paper to stay steady. So I had the brilliant idea of sticking her in the high chair and taping the paper to the tray.

Mazzy was happy as a clam. But it was still somewhat of a limited engagement till— “Up! Up! Cracka?!”

The next time, I decided to up the baby entertainment level even further. Once Mazzy was safely strapped into the high chair, with paper and crayons at the ready, I made the bold move of angling her TOWARD THE TELEVISION, accessing Sesame Street on demand and letting that bad boy play.

I sauntered over to the computer, thinking— I AM A PARENTING GENIUS!

All was quiet.

Five, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of sweet sweet computer time passed and then — “MiiiiiiLK!!!!”

If I had a conveyor belt spanning the distance between the refrigerator and her high chair, I probably would have just pressed a delivery button without looking up. Alas, my apartment is not designed like the opening sequence of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and I had to walk it over myself.

What waited for me?

A smiling purple-toothed baby with rainbow drool pouring out of her mouth.

Mazzy had eaten, not one, but SEVERAL crayons.

I ripped her out of the high chair and stuck my fingers in her mouth pulling out chewed bits of multi-colored wax. Then I flipped her over to reveal clumps of crayon embedded into the back of every one of her teeth as if she had been eating a diet of Gobstoppers and Gay Pride Flags since she exited the womb.

I had to scrub her teeth with a washcloth and a toothbrush while she was upside down. Needless to say, the screaming was relentless.

After what seemed like hours, I finally had the situation under control. I hugged Mazzy tight and then looked directly into her bleary eyes and said, “I’m so sorry baby.”

She looked at me, her eyes wide with anguish and distrust, and answered, “Up! Up! Cracka?!”

She was right— I suck.


Um, yeah…I have NO idea what you are talking about!

I’m kidding….unfortunately, it’s all too familiar!  Thanks Ilana, for sharing your Monster Mommy Moment with us…and for the reminder to share them.

And thank you for reminding us to live in the present. I for one am more guilty of this than I care to admit. Now go swing by MommyShorts and say hello to Ilana, and if you’re new there make sure to tell her that I sent you. I know you’ll really enjoy her blog!

Also…I have a favor to ask. If you haven’t responded to my poll yet, could you please? Do you like reading product reviews and giveaways? I’ve been doing a lot of them recently, and while I enjoy giving you all the opportunity to win free things, it’s gotten to the point where I need to either stop doing so many of them, or I need to start another site! Thank you in advance.


  1. LOVE Ilana! :) Don't worry- that is why they make crayons non-toxic. I bet my kids probably think I'm surgically attached to my computer.
    • Whenever an email or text alert goes off on my phone, Mazzy shouts— "Uh-oh!" It's heartbreaking.
  2. Yeah, I am guilty of this. Being too easily distracted by my connections online.
  3. Yay! Love Ilana! I believe crayons were designed to be tempting to toddlers. Show me a toddler who hasn't had a chomp. Mine has. Once. OK, maybe twice. Alright, several times. Sadly, I can all too well relate to being distracted by my devices too. :)
    • Mazzy asks for the crayons all the time but we have to watch her. She's draw for about :30 seconds before she starts sticking them in her mouth.
  4. I have the same obsession with electronic devices. I have tried crayons as distraction but my toddler likes to feed them to the dogs while she takes markers and colors all over herself. Didn't work so well for me.
    • Markers would be a nightmare. My walls would be ruined. Although crayons in a plastic holder sounds like a brilliant invention. I call the patent!
  5. Oh this is funny! Thanks for sharing!
  6. I happen to have a little problem with my electronic devices too and get way too excited when I find something that hypnotizes all of my children for a few minutes. Thanks for sharing Ilana so I know it's not just me. Glad you had Ilana here, Natalie, love you both!
  7. I believe crayons are the perfect morning snack. We then lick watercolor paints after nap.
  8. Thank you for having me here today! It's nice to know that others share my infinity for distracting their children so they can play on their laptop.
  9. a) i got to MEET and even HUG Ilana on Friday night. I'm still smiling from it. b) when Mazzy said "up up cracka!" - pretty sure I thought the translation was going to be different [I once had a homeless dude call me a Cracka because I wouldn't give him a dollar]. Please follow up with the output of eaten crayons. I bet it's a technicolor dream!
    • I didn't see anything but I work during the day so I bet somebody got an eyeful. And it was so nice meeting you on Friday. And thank you for putting your hair in pigtails and turning around so I knew for sure it was you!
  10. Yeah, we have lost more than one crayon to my second daughter eating them....and the dog. Thank goodness they make them non-toxic!!
    • Googling the toxic thing was the first thing I did. An excellent excuse to head back over to the computer!
  11. See: This is why I love Ilana. She is so truthful, and funny. Someone you like right away.
  12. Let me get this straight: We're NOT supposed to feed our toddlers Gobstoppers and gay pride flags. Oops. This was hilarious, Ilana. And thanks for letting her share here, Natalie! This made my day. Now I'm off to dismantle the conveyor belt in my kitchen....
    • Don't dismantle the conveyor belt! Where do you live? Can I come pick it up? Will it fit in a Volvo?
  13. JDaniel has started unplugging the computer to get time. I need to be better about how I am balancing things.
  14. Hahaha! This has happened to me too many times to count. Loved your post!
  15. Seriously, I need that conveyor belt! One to deliver "muck" to the toddler and one to deliver Beer to the DH. Don't they know I'm trying to tweet?
  16. I love Mommyshorts...she rocks! And the name Mazzy? Is too cool.
  17. This story is one I am all too familiar with. I have been there before! I am always trying new things to keep my daughter entertained just so I can have one more moment of computer time! I learned my lesson when I looked up and saw our walls covered in marker!
    • Marker on the walls would just about kill me. That's what padded basements are for. Although, I live in a NYC apartment. Sigh.
  18. Oh, that was too funny! The whole time I'm thinking "Yes! The crayons! Brilliant!" and then getting ready to suggest playdough next. But the eating them thing? Ugh. Yeah, not so good.
    • At what point does the eating stop exactly? Because my life will get so much easier once she figures out the difference between food and toys.
  19. What a great monster moment post. This is a constant in my house as well. I would love to have one of those conveyor belts. ;)
  20. I love this post! It is so honest and true ... my baby is 6 months old and he rolled over the couch cuz i was busy on my computer ... whooooops ;)
  21. Wow. This Monster Mommy Moment made me feel SO MUCH BETTER. Plus, you are both so fabulous and HERE TOGETHER!
  22. Oh, I should've warned you about crayons, given Mazzy and Lil Diva's penchant for being siamese twins. My daughter would eat an entire crayons box, or at least bite the tips off of all of them if you let her, then drool the rainbow onto her (and your) brand new outfit. And she's almost 20 months. I recall the "chomping on everything in site" slowed down a bit once teething finally ended with my son. Oh, future hint? Start pushing everything on the counters back a few extra inches. She's about the right age where suddenly she can reach things if left too close to the edge. They just keep growing...
  23. I just nodded my head yes to all of this. But I haven't let her use crayons yet, the saleslady at the toy store actually talked me out of buying her any because she said this is exactly what would happen!
  24. Oooh, let's o invent truly edible crayons!! Yeah, because I don't spend enough time on the computer already. Ahem.
  25. Yes, yes. Eddie has munched on, well, everything in the house while I my computer ::hangs head:: including snacks he found under the coffee table that were so old he took them back out of his mouth and said "ew" before I realized he should be supervised. ::hangs head::
  26. They wouldn't be in every elementary classroom or marketed to children if they weren't okay for kids to stick in their mouths. I feel so lucky that Lucas brings me foreign objects instead of sticking them in his mouth.