Welcome to another Mommy Moment! If you’re not sure what it is, head over and read all about how Mommy Moments at the Monster came to be.
Today, I’m so excited to welcome SurferWife from A Day In The Life of a SurferWife!
To say that I adore SurferWife is a complete and total understatement. She’s a mom of 2, hilarious, totally real, sexy smart and she’s someone I consider a friend in real life. She also knows a thing or two about social media and helps businesses build their brands at Sunset Social Media Relations. She also let me share a couple of guest posts on her blog about the time I met adult film star Ron Jeremy….not exactly the kind of stuff I normally share here. In short, she’s awesome and I love her.
Go grab a cup of coffee and a donut, ahem, I mean a low-fat muffin, or depending on the time of the day maybe some wine and chocolate, and sit back and enjoy the story!
My precious, little, filthy pigeon
When I was asked by the lovely founder of Mommy of a Monster and twin daughters to write about a Mom Moment, I hesitated. I’m not your typical ‘Mom Blogger’ and don’t often write about my kids. Unless it’s to exploit them on the interwebs because of something ridiculously funny they have done. Don’t worry. For every emotionally scarring post I publish about my darling wallet rapers, I put $5 in their ‘Future Therapy Bills’ jar I keep on my bedside. Let’s be real, that one has more saved in it than their college funds.
Speaking of needing therapy, I decided to lay my own self down on a couch and start babbling incessantly into the open abyss in front of me. Why do I feel it’s ok to make fun of my beautiful, little darlings in front of the 2 readers that actually read SurferWife.com? What did these innocent and wonderful creatures ever do but bring me immense joy?
*Insert one of those creeper spinning images here that sitcoms play to represent going back in time.*
March 5, 2002. I was a wee 24 year old gal, unmarried and naive, counting the hours before popping out a little human being that was created inside my body. I had ONE friend who had given birth but she totally didn’t count because she was a mess and it just didn’t count, ok? In other words, I felt like the pioneer of child birthing amongst my friends. I had ZERO idea how my life of freedom, partying and care free attitudes would come to a screeching halt when this screeching, little man arrived.
I thought it was going to be all giggles, baby powder farts and cute, little polo onesies. Nothing scary, bad or gross would happen. Motherhood was about as easy as beer bonging 4 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Once you practiced a little, it’d become second nature. No surprises, no gagging, lots of cheers from the crowds around me.
March 5, 2002 at 9:13am– My sweet and tiny first born, Jason was welcomed to this world. He cried, I cried. It was love at first sight.
I WOULD NEVER EXPLOIT THIS CHILD ON THE INTERNETS. NO SIREE BOB.
March 5, 2002 at 9:14am — Some dumbshit had my precious baby boy over and up above my left shoulder. Naked. And the child shit on my shoulder. Like some filthy pigeon. One minute on this earth and the kid has put his feces ON MY SHOULDER.
It was that first Moment of being a Mom that I staunchly decided that I would get even with this pooping little man. I WOULD CREATE A BLOG THAT HAD VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH MY CHILDREN BUT I WOULD EMBARRASS THEM AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY.
Unfortunately for me, Jason is a typical 10 year old boy and just adores this story. I think he sometimes wishes he could poop on my shoulder now. Unfortunately for him, I have had so many Mom Moments by now that it wouldn’t really phase me. But in that first moment of being a mom? He left an everlasting (and disgusting) impression.
Yeah…all the things nobody mentions is shocking at first isn’t it? Now, poop, boogers, and other bodily fluids are just par for the course. We seriously need to put together a “real” book about motherhood and sell it to teenagers.
There’s no manual out there for what we do, so sharing stories like this helps us all learn from each other.
Now head over to A Day In The Life of a SurferWife and say hello to SurferWife. If you are a Twitter addict, you can find @SurferWife there, and on facebook, too! And if you are a new follower, make sure to tell her that I sent you!