Mommy Moment at the Monster – Yuliya Style

A couple of weeks back I told you I was changing the name of Monster Mommy Moments to Mommy Moments at the Monster. I decided to change the name after people kept asking if they had to write about a horrible parenting moment…and that is not the point of MMM at all! All stories can be shared…monster moments, happy moments, funny moments, and on and on.

And that is exactly what today’s guest is doing. Please welcome Yuliya from She Suggests! Yuliya is a mommy, an incredible writer, a photographer, and a friend. She also happens to be funny and upside down. No seriously, have you seen her Twitter avatar?

She also has become a friend, and I am certainly looking forward to drinking wine and partying with her meeting her in real life at BlogHer next month!

So once again welcome Yuliya! If you’re not sure what a Mommy Moment at the Monster is, head over and read all about how Mommy Moments at the Monster came to be.

Go grab a cup of coffee and a donut, ahem, I mean a low-fat muffin, or depending on the time of the day maybe some wine and chocolate, and sit back and enjoy the story!
———-

When I was originally asked to write about a Monster Mommy Moment back in February, I honestly didn’t have a whole lot to share. I was a perfect mother then.

Around that time my daughter was only one and I had not yet gotten to that breaking point that only eight hundred and fifty one consecutive renditions of Itsy Bitsy Spider will drive you to. Lo and behold a mere five months later I had so many good ideas for a Monster Mommy Moment it was hard to pick just one.

The compostable straw that drove this free range camel’s back came in the form of juggling not one kid but two, as I had (delusionally and under great duress) volunteered to do just this past month. One sixteen month old plus a one-hundred and twenty three month old and we have ourselves several Monster Mommy Moments…

Picture it.

A blistering hot day in June. There I am rollin’ down the street, positively NOT smoking or drinking gin and juice. Because that would be a bad influence on the children. (And because I’m more of a vodka girl. Obviously.)

I crank up the radio, positively NOT because I am attempting to drown out the loud cries of my car-hating toddlby (not a baby, not yet a toddler) but because I am trying to be the “cool mom”.

You know what a cool mom is don’t you? The kind that dresses in something other than yoga pants, allows everyone to have frozen yogurt with not one but TWO “junk food” toppings, has some clue who Bruno Mars is (I didn’t but luckily the kids at the playground schooled me) and plays fun “music” like his in the car.

There I was, rockin out to his latest abomination, I mean hip new musical creation…

“Today I Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything
I Just Wanna Lay In My Bed”

…sing it brother! I can totally relate to that. I started to day dream about how great it would be to take the day off but instead how I am awesome as the cool mom of not one, but two kiddos this week. Both are fed, appropriately dressed, I am totally pulling this off! It was then that I decided to clue in to the lyrics…

“Tomorrow I’ll Wake Up Do Some P90X
Meet A Really Nice Girl Have Some Really Nice Sex
She’s Gonna Scream Out “This Is Great!” (Oh My God! This Is Great!)”

CRAP!!! The toddlby was thankfully clueless, but I had to act quickly because my other charge, the ten year old was giggling furiously. I frantically spun the dial and landed on this gem…

“I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to f****ng leave again
I’mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire”

Excellent.

Now I needed to have a sit down and talk to her about S-E-X and domestic abuse. This is what I get for trying to be cool instead of forcing her to listen to my usual (90’s gangsta rap) oldies.

That was not the only uncomfortable conversation I had to have with her that week.

We talked about manners, body image issues, why she cannot watch another episode of Wizards of Waverly place, why it is that my husband and I lived together before we were married, why it is NOT appropriate to slam the door when you are angry, why it is unacceptable to have a crappy attitude when you are being treated to breakfast and a manicure and are currently a guest in someone else’s home missy! (Deep cleansing breath.)

I realized I would have a lifetime of not-so cool and not-so perfect parenting moments ahead of me. Times where I would expose my own innocent child to the misogyny (yet all too alluring beats) of Eminem’s music, hours of uncomfortable conversations, and scores of parties that will be hastily departed thanks to my future tween’s crappy attitude.

But that’s ok. Because I have a blog and until my kid starts writing her own I can put all the positive spin on my less than stellar parenting behavior that I want. So there! Crank up the Snoop Dogg and call it a day. Peace out peeps.

PS it wasn’t all drama and censorship at my house while my cousin was here, check out this sweet moment between her and my kiddo caught on film…

Mommy Moment at the Monster - Yuliya Style

———-

Now you see why I love Yuliya if you didn’t already know her.  Thank you for sharing your Mommy Moment at the Monster with us…and for reminding us how awesome gangsta rap is….kidding!! They grow up so fast and I’m dreading those s-e-x talks for sure. Sigh. And uncool parenting? I’m pretty sure I already have that mastered. Sigh.

Now go swing by She Suggests and say hello to Yuliya, and if you’re new there make sure to tell her that I sent you. I know you’ll really enjoy her blog!

Comments

  1. Natalie thank you so much for having me here today! And thanks for waiting on me until I had a Monster moment for you that was truly worthy of your lovely blog.
  2. Yuliya, I just love you more now, knowing you listen to gangsta rap. I reckon having your 10 year old cousin with you, is good practice for what is to come. So, how did the S-E-X talk go? :)
  3. Wizards of Waverly Place can be so annoying to watch along with iCarly and all of the other teen shows. I suggest listening to country music with older kids. Lyrics seem to be a little nicer.
  4. Oh my gosh Yuliya this is absolutely adorable! Hahahaaa I just about died laughing. I have a 10-yr-old daughter and have had many of those same convos, many times over (doesn't really get any easier, I'm not gonna lie.) I also have a 5-yr-old boy who's obsessed with all things naked, bathroom-ish, and violent. Thankfully I am (a little bit) aided by the rating system, so he's topped out at stuff like Power Rangers. Unfortunately, my husband and I also hear the siren song of Eminem, 2 Pac and Biggie Smalls, appealing to our adult side... just every once in a while, but always at the worst possible times. :) So yes, we've had many of those convos, and surely there are MANY more to come! Thanks for all the laughs!!!!
    • So glad you can relate! I hadn't really thought about the music I listen to until I had my cousin here but oh boy was that a good lesson to learn!
  5. It is hard to turn on the radio and not end up with questions from the backseat about the words in songs. We tend to listen to CDs.
  6. I love this story. I love the things we will do to sometimes drown out the sounds of our kids! {and I'm glad I'm not the only one that does it.}
  7. As a mommy who has been caught playing the original rendition of Cee-Lo Green's "F*&k You" absentmindedly in the car, I can relate. Thanks for the laugh this morning!
    • Yeah I don't know that I have as much trouble with curse words as I do with content, but check with me in a few more years when my baby actually talks ;)
  8. I laughed all the way through this post! I remember those days well..Like when my then 10-year old son asked me what a rubber was--and didn't accept that it was an abbreviated boot!
  9. This was so funny - I'm just glad those songs weren't around when Alpha Son was that "I mimic everything I hear" age - and how neat that other moms can learn they are normal and not "bad" mommys - cool mommy indeed!! I loved this post!
  10. This totally makes me laugh, Yuliya, because I've thought about the lyrics of this song, too, and question leaving it on when the kids are in the car with me!
    • I mean I was just lulled into a false sense of security with that Bruno Mars song, it seemed so innocent to start!
  11. I fully acknowledge that when my 2 1/2 year old hears Eminem, she yells, "It's Mommy's music! Dance Partyyyyyyy!" Mom of the Year? Not so much. But perhaps we'll get a chance to dance to our grown up tunes at BlogHer.
    • I bet it takes a while for a kid to actually decipher what a rapper is saying, so I think we're safe with the rap music ;) At least that's what I'm going to tell myself...
  12. Oh, you know I love me some Yuliya!! And she could rap her own Momma rap any day...
  13. This confirms the fears I had just last week. T is going to start asking about S-E-X sooner rather than later. Because I am always rocking inappropriate music in the car. Sigh. Couldn't just one of the stupid little teen pop stars come out with a single that just does the explaining for us? In a totally appropriate and not graphic at all sort of way? What?
  14. Hilarious! Thankfully Will has not started repeating songs that he hears because I try to be that cool mom too!
  15. Tim@sogeshirts says:
    Yuliya is awesome. Funny about the radio. I loved the line about the cool mom and getting the kids two toppings on their frozen yogurt.
    • The number of toppings you allow is directly proportional to your coolness factor, it's scientifically proven. Nuts and fruit don't count. Obviously.
  16. Natalie, I look forward to these Monday Moments every week - no matter WHAT you call it! (plus who doesn't enjoy an invitation to enjoy a donut, wine or chocolate?) Yulia, It's All inappropriate lyrics ALL the time here at the Gardner house. I have given up trying to keep my 12 and 14 year old from hearing what's on the radio. I figure if I survived hearing "Skyrockets in flight. Afternoon delight..." they can survive Bruno Mars. (I do draw the line at Rihanna's S & M, though. That song even makes ME blush...)
  17. if I didn't love you before (ummm, totally did) I would now. :) you make me giggle, those aren't MONSTER MOMMY MOMENTS those are GREAT blog stories. ;) thanks for sharing it and that pic is priceless. LOVE IT.
  18. I was singing along to music in the car last week and then thought "OMG, my 5 yo is going to start repeating this soon!" Now I only listen while I am alone :)
  19. Isn't it sad that 90's gangsta rap truly is considered "oldies" now? I'll never forget the day I heard REM on a classic rock station. I wanted to cry. That was the day I realized... I've turned into my parents.
  20. Ha! Love this & glad I am not the only one! We have been driving around listening to Give Me Everything...Sadie is now telling me she is going to take me home tonight. #Oops
  21. When my almost 2 year old sings "..whips and chains excite me.." by Rhianna, I cannot help but be proud. I love you Y. and I cannot wait to hug you for like 15 minutes straight. xoxo
  22. Um yeah, so in case you missed it, a few months ago, DH taught our 3 YO how to hold up a fist with her pinky and pointer finger to "rock out" (which she did in the church the following week). Last Thursday? He was listening to The Rock on the drive home and realized Motley Crue's "Shout At the Devil" was on when he heard a little voice singing, "Shout, shout, shout, shout at the devil." As long as she doesn't combine those two in church this weekend, we're good....
  23. Oh that would be hilarious!
  24. Dude, I hate that Bruno Mars song, I really do. I only recently figured out who he was too. Kudos for handling two kids at once. Sounds like you did a great job.
  25. This is true. You do get spoiled by not having kids around that understand stuff. I remember when our first was 2, and we realized, things are a changin'.
    • Perhaps I need to start listening to the Latin Top 40? At least none of us will fully understand what those singers are saying...plus Enrique Iglesias YUM!
  26. I have had some of those very same thoughts while listening to the new stuff on the radio these days. We'll be rocking out in the van and then boom, I hear sexually charged lyrics and think, darn it, seriously, I can only listen to this alone. Usually the radio is turned off though, cd's with oldies but goodies are more my style. Amazing what happens after turning 30.
    • I normally listen to NPR but I didn't want to bore the ten year old to death...or be accused of trying to brainwash her ;)

Trackbacks

  1. [...] Today I’m over there. Come say hi. [...]