If you have ever had to “try” to get knocked up, then you have also probably tried some pretty crazy things to help the process along. Things like standing on your head (done it) and peeing on sticks to tell you when you are most fertile (done that, too). Those are the two most common ones, I think. But what about the other crazy things people try? Here is the How To Get Pregnant – Funny (read: crazy) Edition.
How To Get Pregnant
(Or 7 Ways Not To Get Pregnant)
My Milkshakes Bring All The Sperm To The Yard
How about drinking milkshakes to increase your chances of conceiving? Apparently calcium aids in conception.
They are often referred to as “Fertility Milkshakes.” I drank them like they were going out of style when I was trying to get pregnant. While they are supposed to be made with all natural, organic ingredients, I just went through In N’ Out and grabbed one every day for a week, every month. Probably not as helpful as those all natural ones.
Good for fertility, not so much for the size of my ass.
Sippin’ On Gin and…Robitussin?
Anybody ever sip on Robitussin like it was a cocktail? Yep, I did this one too.
Robitussin aids in fertility because it improves the quality of your cervical mucus. It gets more slippery, which makes it easier for the sperm to move around in there. Didn’t work for me, but then again, when you are desperate you’ll try anything.
Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Except for You, Babe)
My husband loved this one…not. Missionary style only. No saliva, toys, fingers, or anything else anywhere near the nether regions.
We didn’t want to “contaminate” the area and make the possibility of his soldiers getting in there alive any more difficult than it had to be. Sex became a job; it was not for pleasure.
I know I mentioned standing on your head as one of those crazy things that people do, but did I mention how long I would leave my legs propped up against the wall? At least an hour, sometimes longer.
The only thing that this accomplished was that I would lose all feeling in my legs and stumble around like I was drunk after I tried to get up. Talk about sexy.
Got A Black Magic Woman
A friend of mine suggested seeing a Curandera, or a medicine woman who would rub herbs and special oils and waters on my belly and say what I understood to be a prayer over it. She said it worked for her.
But to be honest I actually never tried this one; I booked the appointment and chickened out at the last minute.
Livin’ On A Prayer
I prayed to Fertility Gods, literally.
There are a bunch of them out there: St. Gerard – the Catholic Patron Saint of Motherhood (is it weird to anybody else that they chose a man for this?), Kokopelli – the Native American fertility deity, Aphrodite – the Greek goddess of fertility, and Aditi – the Hindu goddess of fertility.
Sexing with the Stars
Yep. A friend sent me to a website that showed how the lunar cycles and astrology can help you get pregnant. Even I had to roll my eyes at this one!
There are so many more crazy things people do. Feng Shui, rubbing pregnant women’s bellies, eating or drinking certain (very weird) concoctions, rubbing minerals and crystals on your body, and more. People will really do just about anything to get knocked up.
What crazy things did you do when you were trying to conceive?