A friend of mine approached me over the weekend and asked if I would post something for her on my blog. She wants to share it, but she doesn’t want to share her name.
She is a beautiful, caring, honest, and sweet person. She is a mother. She is a blogger. She is well liked. She wants to share a secret.
Before I share the post with you, I want to tell you three things:
1. You may not like this post. You may get angry. You may not understand it. You may think she is a bad person. I assure you, she is not. She is a person struggling with a disease.
2. She is bravely stepping forward for the first time to admit out loud…to herself and to others…that she has a problem. Whether or not you can empathize with her situation, I ask that you do not judge her. I ask that you do not criticize her. I ask that you send her blessings, good vibes, prayers…whatever positive energy that you can send her because she needs it right now.
3. I have not moderated comments since I first started blogging. I quickly learned people don’t like it, so I turned it off. I am turning it back on today for her sake. If you leave a judgemental or harsh comment, I will not approve it. That negative feedback is not going to help her at all. She is afraid of what people will say because she already knows what people will say. Please try to be kind and understanding. If you don’t feel you can do so, please don’t leave a comment.
And with that, I would like to share my friend’s words with you…
10.30 pm, New Year’s Eve 2010.
My child woke up coughing due to a medical condition. We were able to treat him – good thing that it worked, because there’s no way I could have taken him the ER.
I was drunk, you see.
I should back up to earlier in the day. Much earlier. I went out to run some errands, including buying champagne for the celebration later. In the liquor store, I was on a mission to find one of those mini bottles of cham, too…so that I could have a drink before getting home. I pulled thru the fast food joint with a hamburger and a cup of ice. I poured that champagne in the cup and drank it on my way home.
I drank it on my way home. At 11.45am.
I then had a glass of cham while watching a movie.
Around 3, we met a friend at a bar for a new year’s toast. Within 2 hours, I had 3 glasses of wine, a glass of champagne and a beer.
I drove home.
This is the not even the most embarrassing part, even though I could have died or killed someone else. A mother of two, a professional, a daughter, a sister, a wife. I have a drinking problem. I know I do. Because the most shameful part is that I blacked out.
Things that I’m told happened between the hours of 4 and 10…
I drove home. I danced in the kitchen with my kids. I had sex with my husband. I folded laundry. I announced it was time for the kids to go to bed. I demanded my husband build a fire. I got the kids in jammies. I passed out in my kid’s bed.
At 10, I woke up not knowing where I was, or how I got there. And around 10.15, when my child got sick, I was treating him and trying to work through the events of the past few hours.
I come from a long line of alcoholics. Grandparents, both parents, siblings.
I’m quite sure it’s in my blood to carry on this disgusting trait.
I don’t know how to stop. I’ve blacked out before, I stop drinking for a while. Obviously never for good.
I don’t know how to stop.
I don’t know if I want to stop.
But the guilt is crushing me on this day.
Powerful, isn’t it? Sad? Heartbreaking? Relatable?
And so it goes…
I’m guest posting over at Mommy Pants today! I was so honored when Cheryl asked me to guest post with one of my own Mommypants Moments. Cheryl and I became Twitter friends and got to meet in person at the end of November. She is an amazing woman and has become a wonderful friend. My post there today is about my battle with postpartum depression, which I know several of you have also had to deal with. It’s a topic that is hard for some women to talk about, but each time we do, we are helping ourselves and each other. Thanks Cheryl, for having me over for a visit!
I’m also excited to the guest feature on Monday at the red dress club:. I cannot begin to tell you the impact that the red dress club: has had on me. Because of the writing prompts and support I have found there, I have found a passion for writing that I didn’t even know that I had. If you haven’t ever checked it out yet, go now! Do it! Try one of the writing prompts next year – you might find a new love just like I did.