From Crib To Toddler Bed We Go!

First off, congratulations to Sonora from Twinfinity! You just won the coolest bracelet in all of bloggy land…the Mommy of a Monster bracelet created by Funky Mama Bird! Yay!

Let me just tell you, I have the coolest bloggy friends. No seriously, they rock. When I realized that this NaNoWriMo thing was no joke and would take up more time than I have, I put out an SOS to some of my best blog buddies. I asked if they’d be willing to guest post for me so that I could focus on NaNoWriMo while still keeping you entertained. And you know what? They all said yes! Because they rock!

So would it be weird to admit that I was embarrassed and a little shy about sending The Flying Chalupa a request to guest post for me? Why you may be asking? Because I have a huge…and I’m talking HUGE…bloggy crush on her! Every single time she posts something, it’s better than the post before. She is hilarious. I kinda want to be her. Sigh.

Anyways, thank you so, so, so much for guest posting here Chalupa! And if you don’t already know her, I know once you read this you’ll go sprinting over to The Flying Chalupa because you’re gonna want more!

MTV CRIBS

Mom Television Presents Cribs – The Chalupa Episode

Despite the fact that my two-year-old is still happily imprisoned in his little crib, I find myself inching ever closer to The Cliffs of Transition, which I’ve heard are like The Cliffs of Insanity, minus Andre the Giant.

And when I peer over those cliffs, sword in my hand, ready to duel, I see my opponent climbing steadily towards me…the Big Kid Bed. I know he’s ready to battle because the guard rails are off and there’s the ominous threat of potty-training in the air.

I refuse to actually contemplate the when and the how and the horror of little feet discovering the thrill of a cage-less world, but contemplating new decor? New furniture?

Hell yeah. I could do that.

Or could I?

How could I have known that I was about to enter the terrifying world of toddler duvets and canvas monogrammed bins?

Armed with a battalion of catalogs and a slew of websites, I discovered the Colby Collection for the young airplane enthusiast! The Dryden Collection for the miniature paleontologist! And the Hunter Collection for the future mentally-unstable novelist who enjoys spending a night in the Overlook Hotel from The Shining!

Oh, the beauty of the Three-Cubed Cubby! The magnanimous architecture of the Colton Dresser! The allure of themes and colors and rugs and wall-hangings culminating in a mass explosion of credit card debt at the altar of toddler worship!

A shrine to my son and his ever-shifting interests and my supreme talent for pigeon-holing those interests into future careers? How fun does that sound?

I had drunk the Pottery Barn Kids Kool Aid and was now a card-carrying member of Crazies-R-Us.

But it was time to start thinking outside the store-bought box. To show a little pizazz! To create a room that said, “Yo. This is America 2010!” And there were so many directions I could go.

THE WOLF BLITZER, JR. COLLECTION

For the youngest voter of your familial democracy (or dictatorship in my household), a room of reds and blues! With a monstrous map of the United States as divided by party affiliation, whose lines can be lovingly drawn and re-drawn to create the country of your toddler’s dreams! An adorable voting booth activity table! A puppet stand that can be referred to as…The Panel. Is it time for bed? Let’s ask our Panel! Embezzle campaign funds, hang those chads, and vote YES for toddler patriotism!

THE NOOKWORM COLLECTION

For your little luke-warm lover of the written word! Encourage a love of reading by creating a 21-century home for the gadgets that will make books a thing of the past! These handcrafted walnut shelves will no longer have to endure the weight and clutter of Dr. Seuss and Maurice Sendak! Instead, they will house the docking station for your little one’s iPhone, they will hold the sleek lines of the Nook, the Leapster hand-held device, and the vTech e-reading system. Cuddle up in our gingham rocker and enjoy your child’s favorite bedtime tales by a pale electronic glow! When your child wakes up at 5:00 a.m on a Saturday, lovingly instruct them to: “Find the goddamn app!” Clean and modern, this collection will finally get rid of that pervasive smell of history.

THE LITTLEST EGOTIST COLLECTION

For the child who can do no wrong! Create a space of positivity and overly-enthusiastic affirmations by wiring the room with your sound bites at every turn – at the mirror: “You are so handsome!” The activity table – “You are Picasso incarnate!” The desk – “You are a genius!” With hues of royalty and power, tell your toddler he’s king of the world. And if you’re lucky, he’ll be the one to enter the workforce with the expectation of being made CEO after a month in the mail room!

Or what about the Oh, The Places You’ll Go! Collection, celebrating the road map of my son’s life on an enormous cork board? It’s never to early to hang the banner of the Ivy League school he’ll be attending, right? And then there’s always The Public Works Collection, where I would do a seasonal rotation of the garbage truck, the firetruck and the mailman’s truck and bring my father-in-law in to whittle a bed frame in the shape of each.

I was torn. Sick with indecision. Nauseous from pint-sized color-palettes at gigantic prices.

And then I did what I always do when overwhelmed.

I abandoned the project all together.

I mean, who did I think I was? Kimora Lee Simmons? Teresa Giudice? Did my son really need to sleep in a gold-studded castle bed with an operating draw bridge? Did he really need a life-size aquarium and a professionally-painted mural of Finding Nemo?

No.

Until he can operate an electric drill and go to Home Depot, I’m enjoying the idea of a mattress on the floor. A comforter to be sacrificed to the gods of urine stains. Some books, some bins, a laundry hamper. I’m calling it The White-Collar Prison Collection: simple, contemporary, no-hassle.

And it works well with the meal plan I’ve implemented.

This has been another episode of Mom TV Cribs.

Stay tuned next week for a look inside Suri’s Moulin Rouge-themed boudoir.

———- 

LOVE IT! Ya see? I told you she’s funny! Now go…go now and visit The Flying Chalupa at her pad. I know you want more.

And so it goes…

Comments

  1. Yay! I'm the first commenter! Can I just say how THRILLED I am to be here? It's funny that you were nervous to ask...because I was nervous to contribute! I mean...this is Mommy of a Monster we're talkin' about! You are one of the sweetest ladies out there and I'm proud to call you my bloggy bud. Thanks again!
  2. OMG! This is hilarious! I love her writing and sense of humor! What a fabulous way to start my day! I'm heading over to her place to check it out. ;)
  3. We may need a threesome with her because I'm ALl kinds of crushing on Tarj.

    Excellent choice, the prison theme. Don't worry about him being out of the cage though. They only get up and mosey about for a few months. Maybe 6. But that's it.
  4. this is awesome and funny and sheds a light on things like only the Chalupa can!

    i'm pretty sure no kiddie bedding companies will want Tarja to head up their catalog division...
  5. I'm actually pretty sure that The Little Egoist collection is one I've actually seen implemented in bedrooms near me.

    Just not my son's, obviously. Because he's got a big enough head already.
  6. Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points says:
    Brilliant as always.

    I myself aspired to the "quest for cash" bedroom series, where every item has its value prominently displayed, along with pictures of what COULD have been had for a slightly greater investment. Simultaneously teaches the value of a dollar and dissatisfaction with what you have, thereby instilling a work harder, earn more mentality.

    Or possibly, a sense of defeatism leading to gas station heists.

    But let's think positively!
  7. Love, LOVE Tarja...what a big love-fest we are all having on her behalf today! I support your choice 100% on the White Collar Prison collection, and you too will be happy when you don't hear the THUD at night of a falling-out-of-bed child. Or see the beautiful PBK comforter begin to turn a sad shade of greenish-yellow.

    Once again, the Chaulpa proves that he has not only the funniest mom, but the smartest.
  8. For the Nookworm collection, may I suggest the Sad Bookcase? http://blog.makezine.com/archive/2010/11/sad_bookshelf_is_sad.html

    As for me, when the blissful day comes to kick the dictator out of MY bed, I will opt for a mattress on the floor and one of those toddler sized hamster wheels...bliss!
  9. Hee hee...we had to step into toddler bed mode when my toddler learned how to scale the crib confines. I didn't want to risk a trip to the ER trying to explain that his broken arm was an accident and not because he wanted to watch Yo Gabba for the eleventh upmteenth time. Sigh.
    The worst part past the shopping is keeping them in there. That? Is. TOUGH.
  10. blueviolet says:
    The white prison collection? LMAO!!!!

    She's fabulous and I'll check her blog out!
  11. lol, too funny. Love it.
  12. I myself like the mattress on the floor! Let me tell you...we bought our 3 girls (Natalie being one of them) new beds and dressers, but also their favorite Disney character sleeping bags! They loved those sleeping bags! All 3 girls slept on the floor in those things for I don't know how long, rather than their new beds! I'm telling youl...save your money while longer!
  13. Seriously? I could not decide which line I like best out of that post! If you decide Chalupa isn't quite ready to step up to the entire "White Collar Prison" program; you can always work your way up...

    Get a dog bed and toss it on the floor at the end of the bed. Put a bowl of Cheerios down for night-time snacking and Momma gets extra sleep time!
    I don't recommending caging the child, though. I think there might be laws against that; but whatever. No one reads this? Right?

    Now. Flying back to the Chalupa!!!
  14. The Empress says:
    What is wrong with any of these collections?

    Signed, the empress

    P.ssst..: yes yesyesyes yes to the chalupa. go now. it's what's for blogreading.
  15. Oh lord, that was so funny, oh save me from your wicked humor. Clearly you missed your calling as a PBK copywriter. I have read it twice. I think it may be my favorite. Until your next post.
    Tina @ Three In The Bed
  16. Love it love it love. I definitely need more chalupa in my life!
  17. Booyah's Momma says:
    Crazies-R-Us? Love that place. And I'm eagerly awaiting the next episode of MTV Cribs... ala Chalupa.
  18. Do they make the Egoist collection in California King?
  19. Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him says:
    Wait, we can get a drawbridge?? Let's add a moat. That would keep them in. Let's see what Mariah Carey does on her episode of Cribs before we redecorate.
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