Think about your best friends. The friends that you trust implicitly. The friends that you can say anything to without fear of judgement or disapproval. If you told them you were going to rob a bank, they would definitely try to talk you out of it, but they would listen and try to understand. They probably wouldn’t call the police unless you went through with it and then they would, but you already know that because these friends are your moral compass. We all have these friends. They are a necessity to maintaing sanity and a deep part of who you are. These friends know our deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets and we don’t even have to preface those secrets with a “Please don’t tell anybody”.
But when sharing secrets with them, do you even consider whether or not they are going to share these secrets with their spouses? I guess I never consider that. I assume (yes, I know what happens when I assume) that when I share a secret with them that they will guard it with their lives and not tell anybody…spouses included. Interesting enough, that is not always the case.
Do You Tell Your Spouse Everything?
I was recently involved in a super secret conversation with a group of the friends I just described. One of my friends was talking about a situation she was in with another friend (that none of us knew). My friend’s friend had shared a secret with her that my friend shared with her spouse. When my friend’s friend found out, she got extremely upset and couldn’t believe my friend had told her spouse.
My friend, and many of my other friends involved in this conversation, tell their spouse everything. EVERYTHING. One of them said “no secrets between spouses”.
I do not tell my husband everything. Little secrets that aren’t really significant (ones that aren’t life altering) I might share with him and nobody else. And then there are the secrets that friends have trusted me with that have and will always remain secrets. Big ones. Life changing ones. Those secrets I keep. They aren’t mine to share, and they don’t affect us directly, so I don’t share them.
Being responsible for a secret…especially a big one…can become a very heavy weight that you carry around. Not being able to talk about it with anybody else makes the load even heavier. I can totally understand why some of my friends share the secrets with their spouses. It gives them the ability to be able to talk about the situation with another person that they trust with everything. I get that.
On the flip side, I see it as then your spouse is carrying around the weight of the secret too. And because the secrets aren’t mine, I don’t want him to have one more thing to worry about on his plate. If it’s not affecting either of us, I keep it to myself. There’s even been times that he has started telling me a secret to which I reply “Nope. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know”.
If I know a friend tells her spouse everything, will I stop sharing my secrets with her? No. I need those friends and I still trust them implicitly. BUT, I may be more selective with the secrets that I do share.
There’s always two sides to every coin and different ways of looking at things. Every relationship is different. What works for some doesn’t work for others. I’m sure that a few of my friends in that conversation were just as surprised to find out that I don’t tell my husband everything as I was to find out that they do tell their husbands everything.
So I’m wondering – do you tell your spouse everything?