Tonight, after getting the girls out of the bath, I had an epiphany.
There will be no more babies. No breastfeeding. No wondering if it’s a boy or a girl. No feeling the kicks. No more pregnancy.
No first steps. First smiles. First words.
No more babies.
This time, not because I can’t have a baby, but because I don’t want anymore babies.
And even if I did, I couldn’t have another. Because I had my tubes tied.
Lila was standing next to my bed, telling me…using words…that she didn’t want to go to bed yet.
Mia told me she didn’t want to either.
When did they get so big? How did it happen so quickly?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want another baby…just the fact that I cannot have one makes me a little sad.
Maybe I’m sad because time is passing so quickly? Maybe because my girls aren’t needing me like they used to?
For as much as I bitch and moan about what a pain they are, knowing they don’t need me…that I’m not Ethan’s world anymore…that one day they will leave me? Hurts my heart more than I can describe.