An Epiphany

Tonight, after getting the girls out of the bath, I had an epiphany.

There will be no more babies. No breastfeeding. No wondering if it’s a boy or a girl. No feeling the kicks. No more pregnancy.

No first steps. First smiles. First words.

No more babies.

This time, not because I can’t have a baby, but because I don’t want anymore babies.

And even if I did, I couldn’t have another. Because I had my tubes tied.

Lila was standing next to my bed, telling me…using words…that she didn’t want to go to bed yet.

Mia told me she didn’t want to either.

When did they get so big? How did it happen so quickly?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want another baby…just the fact that I cannot have one makes me a little sad.

Maybe I’m sad because time is passing so quickly? Maybe because my girls aren’t needing me like they used to?

For as much as I bitch and moan about what a pain they are, knowing they don’t need me…that I’m not Ethan’s world anymore…that one day they will leave me? Hurts my heart more than I can describe.

Comments

  1. With teenagers now, believe me when I say I feel you. (LoL) But, I’m crazy enough I would love more children. Sadly, medical complications made the permanent decision for me. :(

  2. Well, you are a step ahead of me because I’m still in denial about it all. Hubby and I have both agreed that 3 is definitely enough, but neither of us is brave enough to take the steps to make it a permanent decision. :)

  3. I’ve had that epiphany. It made me incredibly sad.

    And then it turned me into that crazy lady who gets way too excited when friends, family and coworkers get pregnant. I live vicariously through them, and remind them a little too often that I am available to babysit.

    I try to tone it down. But it’s not easy for me.

  4. :( I feel this sometimes too, my 3 are just behind yours. But also I’m over feeling trapped and tethered. My dh was snipped and at almost 36, I feel it’s the best for our family. There is so much ahead of us in the next stage.. Just wait.

  5. We aren’t done having kids yet, but when I realized that this day is quickly coming it also made me sad.

  6. I think about that all the time. Probably because I have a teenager that is 5 years from leaving me (and some days I want her to!) and a 4 year old, but it does go so fast.

  7. I know. It’s like someone punches you in the stomach. My little brother’s wife had their first baby last month and I was overwhelmed with jealousy. Not because I want another one (3 is enough), but the thought of not having any more ‘firsts’ kills me.

  8. I think it’s odd how we can always have that feeling of being a mother and longing to hold a baby, even when we really don’t WANT another one. I still feel the same way, without there even being a chance that I had wished for a third.

    Sigh…and yes, those girls are getting too big.

  9. Sigh. I pretty much know that we’re done, but I’m still in denial about it. I don’t want to think about it being the last of everything. It breaks my heart.

  10. This hurts my Mommy heart .Im pretty sure we’re done but neither of us can bring ourselves to surgically finalize.But even though I’m fairly sure I don’t want anymore, it saddens me to think that every first of my GABs is now also the last first:(*hugs mama*

  11. It is so hard to watch them get older. I totally feel you, except I desperately want one more and my husband may not. I am trying to keep my chin up and enjoy watching my kids get older but man is is ever hard!

    I’m always here if you need a shoulder!

  12. Tell me about it! My baby girl is now 5 and today we were driving in the car and she says to me “Mommy – I’ve been here before! I recognize that house.” What!?… RECOGNIZE! {insert jaw drop here} I didn’t even know she knew that word much less how to properly use it in a sentence. She’s 5! I don’t know, maybe I have a misconception of what the intelligence level of a 5 year old should be.

  13. Gramma Gramma says:

    That’s why I had so many of you! I love babies….now I enjoy my grandkids…but they are growing so fast too. And you, my oldest, look at you! You’re all grown up…and it happened really fast! You’re a wonderful Mom…enjoy these days because they will be gone in the blink of an eye. Every year goes faster and faster.

  14. With an 11 y/o girl and nearly 6 y/o boy, I have been thinking A LOT about how fast time goes and how big they are getting. I tell them to STOP GROWING. They think I’m joking, but I’m dead serious. They jsut giggle and say “we can’t stop growing, mommy!” Damnit.

  15. Oh, Natalie, we need to find a way to slow time.
    They get big so fast and as lovely as it is to see their independence grow, it’s a reminder that their time with us will pass so quickly.
    Sending you love…

  16. I understand. We’re done. But D is almost two, and my heart hurts a little when he does something that reminds me he is growing so much more independent every day.

  17. Oh sweetie, no worries, just start the countdown to grandparenthood šŸ˜‰

  18. I am way past having any more and medically couldn’t even if I wanted to. Hubby & I talked about adoption but decided against it. (Our kids were about 7,7 & 11 when we made the final NO)
    Our oldest is 19 and not ready for kids of her own yet, but that’s sort of what I’m looking forward to next. I find myself wandering through the baby section & I have no babies in my family or friends to buy for. @ 40 I’m seeing my friends becoming grandmothers, so I pray my kids give themselves a few more years to get college & marriage under their beltsā€¦

  19. I wrote about this a couple of months ago when I went it for my post-partum visit after the twins. I was SO sad to be there and know that I’d never be there again with the hopeful anticipation of welcoming a new baby. Made me weep.